


Nothing I Should Care to Leave Behind

by busaikko



Category: Stargate Atlantis, Stargate SG-1
Genre: DADT Repeal, First Time, John/Cam Thing-a-Thon Challenge, M/M, Post Episode: s05e20 Enemies at the Gate, Post-Canon, SG Flyboys - Freeform, Stranded
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-13
Updated: 2014-01-13
Packaged: 2018-01-08 13:51:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1133388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/busaikko/pseuds/busaikko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While staying in Pegasus with not much to do and too much time to think, Cam works hard not to make a decision.  He manages okay, until he gets stranded on an uninhabited planet with John Sheppard.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nothing I Should Care to Leave Behind

**Author's Note:**

  * For [angelus2hot](https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelus2hot/gifts).



> Written for the 2013 SG Flyboys' John/Cam Thing-a-Thon for angelus2hot. Prompts: "Trapped on a planet in the Pegasus galaxy John and Cam finally realize their feelings for each other" and "First Time"
> 
> Beta by Mific ♥

>   
>  For every parcel I stoop down to seize  
>  I lose some other off my arms and knees,  
>  And the whole pile is slipping, bottles, buns,  
>  Extremes too hard to comprehend at once.  
>  Yet nothing I should care to leave behind.  
>  With all I have to hold with hand and mind  
>  And heart, if need be, I will do my best.  
>  To keep their building balanced at my breast.  
>  I crouch down to prevent them as they fall;  
>  Then sit down in the middle of them all.  
>  I had to drop the armful in the road  
>  And try to stack them in a better load.  
> Robert Frost  
> 

* * *

"So," Cam finished, leaning forward over the conference table to give Woolsey a bright cooperative smile, "SG1's going to be underfoot another couple weeks, until Jackson's work on the database is done, or we get called back home. I'm looking forward to seeing how things get done here in Pegasus."

Woolsey smiled right back, all surface helpfulness with unshakeable resolve underneath. Cam knew that because he'd been failing to shake something good out of Woolsey for the past five days.

"Certainly. I've uploaded schedules to each of your tablets." He paused, as Vala held hers up with a look of mock dismay. Sheppard leaned sideways and opened the program with a few deft taps; Vala rewarded him with a glowing look and a light touch on his wrist. Woolsey went on smoothly, as if blind to the flirtation, "As you can see, Ms Emmagan will guide a visit to the Athosian settlement, Major Lorne will show you around the Alpha site, there are a few off-world excavations that might be of interest, and of course tours of various facilities in the city itself will be available." He steepled his fingers. Across from him, Teal'c studied his tablet with keen interest, and then nodded his approval.

"Awesome," Cam said, giving up. "Sounds like fun." _Sounds like kindergarten._

He was still sulking when Vala linked her arm through his and steered him out onto one of the control-level balconies. This high up, the view was incredible.

"I don't see why you'd _want_ to meet the Wraith," Vala said, standing on tiptoe to lean over the railing as far as she could. "Why aren't there any birds here?"

"I think they said local wildlife is all just snakes and gerbils and things." Cam shrugged, and Vala's hand on his arm tightened. " _I_ don't see why you keep hitting on Sheppard. A, games like that piss Jackson off, and B, did you miss the whole uproar back on Earth when he announced he was gay?"

Vala let go of his arm and turned around to study the stained glass windows. Cam'd have to check with the gate techs to make sure she didn't have access to eBay from here.

"I thought they changed that rule," Vala said, offhand. "Because of your President's son."

"Technically," Cam pointed out, even though he'd lost the argument before it started, "Hank Hayes Junior had nothing to do with why the military policy changed. And even less to do with why you shouldn't be flirting with Sheppard in official meetings."

"Meetings are boring," Vala said airily. "You think so, too. You're just put out because Sheppard's not going to let you risk your life walking into a situation you're unprepared for. I think," and she leaned against him, lowering her voice like a conspirator, "getting you killed would be _more_ likely to end his career in disgrace. Charming of you to keep pushing for it, though. Do you think he has a boyfriend? Do you think they'd want to – "

"Nope," Cam cut her off firmly. "No, no, not at all, and don't you dare even ask." He took a breath. "Jackson's not a forgiving person."

Vala hummed in agreement. "And you're not a very tolerant one, I think." She popped up on her toes to brush a light kiss across his cheek. "But I'm working on you."

"Yeah, well," Cam started, flush with defensive anger at Vala and at himself for _falling_ for her crap every, single, time. Vala gave him a wink and a wave, already heading for the door with a bounce in her step. "No one asked you," Cam called after her, but just succeeded in getting an odd look from a blue-uniformed technician passing by. Cam waited until the doors were closed again before smacking his palm down hard on the railing. "Son of a fucking _bitch_."

He wanted a drink, but drinking when he was pissed off was a bad idea, especially considering he wasn't home. His arrival tour had covered Atlantis' rudimentary exchange: its operation hours were limited, and the class six section was just a few short shelves of bad beer and some local wine. Cam bet the news would be all over the city if he stopped in for a few bottles.

So he went by the gym instead and ran until he wasn't thinking of anything except the burn in his muscles, his breathing, and how the best-of-the-eighties rock playing through the loudspeakers was so much better than the music kids listened to these days.

Afterward, he headed back to his room for a shower, and as he tried to wash away the aches and pains from overdoing it, he wondered just when he'd got to be old. He studied his face in the mirror as he shaved, the fine lines that were creeping in. He'd be turning forty-two his next birthday. He hated to think that maybe Vala was right about some things.

The next day SG-1 (minus Jackson) and Sheppard's team (minus McKay) all piled into one of the puddlejumpers and went off to have morning tea with Teyla's people. Cam had hoped this would be kind of like a feast, but it was more like having a mini-seminar on local trade and politics. After an hour-long lecture and then some Q and A, Teyla announced that as was traditional for her people, the tents of those who had recently become elders would be moved to the east side.

And as good trade partners and allies, the Lanteans had volunteered to help.

"Ronon and I've got it," Sheppard told Cam, stripping down to a plain black t-shirt. "You guys can, you know. There's tea." He used the hand not holding his jacket to indicate the table with the pot of tea. Cam'd already had one cup, and the medicinal aftertaste was lingering unpleasantly.

"I am very interested in traditional architecture," Teal'c said, rising to tower over Teyla. He gestured at the network of tent poles overhead. "With your permission, I will join your work." He inclined his head towards Teyla. "How long does it take to move a village of this size?"

"Well," Teyla started, moving through the tied-back door-flaps and out into the clearing, where tools were being handed out. She proceeded to discuss planned relocation versus emergency evacuation as workgroups were formed, and Cam took the wrench he was handed without saying boo. He knew when he was beat. Vala got to _ooh_ and _ah_ over the treasured belongings that needed to be carried by hand – quilts, furs, enameled cookware, polished metal mirrors, and every imaginable kind of weapon – while Cam found himself hauling tent poles with Sheppard.

By their fourth trip, Cam was in his undershirt and sweat-soaked, his hands red and his left shoulder sore despite the towel that was meant to cushion the poles' weight. Heading back to get another – hopefully the last – load, Sheppard unhooked the canteen from his belt and held it out.

"Here," Sheppard said. "Just water." He shot Cam a quick smile, like they were both in on a secret. "The tea isn't to everyone's taste."

Cam felt like he should refuse, just... because. But he was also pretty damn thirsty. "Thanks," he said, and took the canteen. He took three good swallows; the water was so cool he felt like he could have drained it all, but he handed it back with a nod.

Sheppard took a drink himself, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand as he thumbed the cap back on.

Cam wondered if it was weird that Sheppard hadn't minded putting his mouth where Cam's had been just seconds before, or if it was more weird that he had noticed. Being around Sheppard made him feel like he had two left feet. He didn't know what to say, or where to look. He noticed _everything_ , from the way Sheppard's sleeves showed off his arm muscles to the way sweat slid down his throat, and the way his trousers rode down and his shirt rode up, and yeah. That was definitely weird.

"You said you were out of water," Ronon accused, and Cam startled, not even having heard him approaching. Ronon grabbed the canteen out of Sheppard's hands over his laughing protest, and drained it. " _Now_ you're out." He tossed the canteen back with a challenging flick of his eyebrows.

Sheppard plucked it out of the air and shook it woefully. "Fucker."

"Try and keep up," Ronon suggested. "Old man." He winked at Cam and jogged off.

"I can totally take him in a fight," Sheppard told Cam with self-mocking bravado.

"Sure," Cam agreed. "Maybe at Pong or something." He set off after Ronon, whistling through his teeth, and ignored Sheppard's indignant _hey_.

As soon as the tents were raised, preparations were made for cooking up a feast, and Cam realized he wasn't getting off this planet any time soon. A guy Sheppard said was Teyla's _significant other_ led all the men who'd been hauling stuff down to a lake to wash off, which involved a lot of naked hilarity. Cam got to see Sheppard's scars; everyone got to see Cam's. But no one seemed to care, not when Ronon was attempting to teach the water wrestling game of his people to a bunch of kids. The splashing was incredible. Cam was dunked more times than his dignity let him admit.

Teal'c had politely refused to disrobe, and after a quick towel bath settled down on the grassy lakeside slope to watch. Cam would bet his eyeteeth that Teal'c found the whole set-up hilarious.

The feast was excellent, though: delicious spiced vegetable dishes and a sweet berry wine that flowed freely. Hours later when Sheppard landed the jumper back in the Atlantis bay, Cam clapped Sheppard's shoulder and said, "Thanks, that was fun," and actually meant it.

"Get some sleep," Sheppard advised. "Lorne's planning to get an early start tomorrow."

"I don't like you any more," Cam grumbled.

Sheppard laughed at him. Heartlessly, Cam thought.

When Lorne brought the jumper down in the Alpha site, Cam's first impression was that it looked like it had been set up to SGC specifications perfectly, like someone'd gone through the manual and checked off every criteria. Optimal distance from gate, number of buildings, perimeter security, amount and type of supplies stockpiled, number of guards, et cetera et cetera. Even the planet looked exactly like the location of Earth's Alpha site, though Cam supposed that given the stringent guidelines for local climate, flora, and fauna, that was inevitable.

Lorne's tour was comprehensive, but he kept shooting Cam apologetic looks, as if he knew the entire exercise was busywork, designed to keep his team occupied and out of Woolsey's hair. Vala had decided with her first glance around the well-ordered pre-fab storage units that there was nothing worth stealing here, and trailed docilely after Cam while reading some kind of pornographic novel on her handheld. Teal'c, who had apparently worked with Lorne years ago and considered him a friend, asked pertinent and insightful questions, once again making Cam feel like an ungrateful ass.

They were back in Atlantis in time for lunch – "Stir fry," Lorne announced, and Vala clapped her hands in apparent delight – but Cam was contemplating going for a long run as far away from everyone as he could get. He didn't think he was addicted to action; that wasn't quite the itch he had under his skin. He just hated being useless, especially when there was a war going on.

Heading down the stairs from the jumper to the nearest transporter, they passed Sheppard on his way up.

"Anything?" Sheppard asked Lorne.

Lorne shook his head. "I brought back the latest sensor data, though. Maybe communications can make something of it."

Sheppard shrugged. "Keep Woolsey in the loop either way." He jerked his thumb towards the jumper bay. "McKay wants me to go dust off one of the long-range satellites. It's being, and I quote, _weird_."

"Takes one to know one," Lorne said with a grin. "Your end of the month reports are still due oh nine-hundred tomorrow." 

Sheppard sighed. "You like to take the fun out of everything, don't you?"

"Just one of my many charms." Lorne nodded, as if he was trying to be humble about it. "Safe flying, sir."

"Hey." Sheppard rounded on Cam, as if just noticing he was there. "You fly a jumper yet?"

Cam's day suddenly brightened a hundred percent. "Nope. But if you're offering..."

"Sure," Sheppard said, with a nod. "Come on."

Cam ignored Vala's over-dramatic _But what about lunch?_ and headed back up close on Sheppard's heels. He was _dying_ to get behind the wheel of a jumper.

Sheppard seemed surprised that the SGC hadn't given Cam the gene treatment and wondered out loud if that was maybe something they could _take care of_ while Cam was in Atlantis.

"I mean," Sheppard said, initializing the jumper and then sliding over into the co-pilot's seat, "what would they do to you? Try and take back the genes?"

Cam sat down and ran his hands over the control panel. Like most advanced-tech ships he'd flown, the interface was about as simple as a modern game system. He guessed it was probably a lot cooler when the ship accepted mental commands, but when he typed the address Sheppard gave him into the DHD and hit _go_ , the ship hovered, the bay floor opened up, and they descended into the gateroom, all on automatic.

He wanted to take Sheppard up on his offer, but knew it would ping on his first medical exam back Earthside. He wasn't in the habit of disobedience. Landry would be angry, and disappointed in him. Having the gene on Earth would make him vulnerable to the plots of some very bad guys.

But... "O-kay," Cam admitted, as the gate whooshed open and the jumper slid through, easy as a hot knife through butter, "this is cool."

An alarm sounded as soon as they came into space in high orbit above a large ocean world. Sheppard took the controls with a curt _sorry_ , throwing a rapid succession of menus and displays up on the HUD even as the jumper accelerated straight down, and then back, moves that would have flattened them without inertial dampeners.

Cam got the feeling that they were in trouble, but the way Sheppard and the ship worked together was pretty awesome to watch.

"Fuck," Sheppard said finally, leaning back in his seat and running a hand through his hair. He shot Cam a look of apology, which Cam didn't understand until the ship rotated back to face the gate.

Now he saw what Sheppard was worried about. The gate was half-hidden in a tangle of what looked like vines, with chunks of machinery dangling off like ornaments from a Christmas wreath gone to the dark side.

"What the hell is that?" Cam asked. He was guessing Wraith, but hoped Sheppard had more specifics.

"A trap," Sheppard drawled slowly, like Cam should be able to figure out that much. He pointed at a light on the three-dimensional chart on the HUD. "That's our malfunctioning satellite, though right now I'd say that probably the Wraith screwed with it, because they knew someone'd be sent to investigate. And when the gate activated," he gestured toward the weird growths all over the gate, "something's rigged to happen."

Cam frowned. "And that would be?"

Sheppard gave him a narrow-eyed stare. "Like I know?" He held up fingers as he spoke. "One, it could be a beacon, and we could be expecting a hive ship any second now. Two, the last time I saw a set-up like that it was being used to hack into the space bridge, so – maybe if we entered that gate, we'd end up somewhere really bad instead of back home. Three, it could be an explosive device or automated weapons system that'd take out anything trying to use the gate."

"It could also already have stuck a bomb or a tracking device to the outside of the jumper," Cam pointed out.

Sheppard smirked. "Sounds like you've figured out how we do things here in Pegasus. Don't worry. I checked, we're clean."

"But still screwed."

"Nah." Sheppard indicated the satellite again. "I sent a message back to Rodney, and we're cloaked, so we just sit tight for a while until Atlantis returns the call." He looked over at Cam. "You missed lunch; you hungry? We've got MREs in the back."

"A picnic under the stars," Cam suggested dryly. Sheppard gave him a hard look, like he thought Cam was making fun of him, but then just got up without another word and came back with a couple of choices. Cam took the veggie lasagna one. When he was done eating, Sheppard made them both cups of Celestial Seasonings tea, and warned Cam he wasn't responsible for the flavor.

"If Teyla doesn't get her tea," he said significantly, and nodded through the steam rising from his cup.

Cam took a sip. He guessed it was meant to taste like chai. "Jackson's like that with coffee," he said.

Sheppard started to ask something, only to cut himself off when the console dinged.

The message that Sheppard flicked up onto the display with a mental command looked, Cam thought, like – 

"That Morse code?"

Sheppard gave him a shrug. "I'm pretty sure the Wraith couldn't read it even if they intercepted it." He let Cam puzzle out the first few words, and then switched over to the translation. "But mind-reading is one of their interrogation techniques, so we try and mix things up."

Cam remembered reading that, in one of Sheppard's mission reports. "So McKay telling you to head to that planet and wait for green eggs – "

Sheppard made a face. "He asked Colonel Carter to swing by and pick us up."

"Well." Cam eyed Sheppard, who was busying himself with what looked like a navigation program. "Sam I am. That's gonna be embarrassing. Yep."

Sheppard pointed at the pilot's chair, silently asking Cam if he was still driving. Cam swigged down the last of his tea and studied the course that had been set. Sheppard made an open-handed _go on_ gesture, so Cam took a steadying breath and put his hands on the controls, powering thrusters.

"Landry made it very clear how pissed he'd be if anything happened to SG-1," Sheppard said absently, getting up to clean away the MRE packaging and the cups. "Though I think mostly he meant Dr Jackson. We seriously considered just rolling him up in bubble wrap for the whole visit, to make up for what happened the last time."

Cam snorted. "Like you don't have Landry wrapped around your little finger." The words came out sharper and a lot more bitter than Cam'd intended, and he saw Sheppard freeze for a moment. All of a sudden, the almost-friendly mood was broken, and they were back to being coworkers who didn't know how to relate to each other. "He lets you get away with..." Cam let his voice cut off, but they both knew what he was angry about.

"A Trust agent bugged my brother's house during my dad's wake," Sheppard said, voice flat, like he was summarizing the plot of a bad movie. "Lucky for them, my brother and I... in a normal family, we'd have cried and hugged, but we're Sheppards. We show emotion by cutting each other where it hurts the most. He and I... talked about my sex life and how come I wasn't welcome at home."

"I'm sorry about your father," Cam said. He'd heard about it at the time, and about the rogue replicators. Now he regretted not having checked with Sheppard while he'd been on Earth, to see if he was okay.

Sheppard shrugged like it didn't matter. "When Atlantis was on Earth, the agent contacted me with the recordings and some old stories they dug up, wanting to make me work for them. I went to Landry and resigned. Or tried to." Sheppard took a breath, breathed it out. "He said he hadn't forgiven me for stealing that jumper back in '06, but no one got away with blackmailing his people."

Cam couldn't imagine talking about sex with Landry, even though he supposed Vala did it all the time. "He's good people," he said, and Sheppard nodded. "He took care of it?"

Sheppard nodded, making a face. "He helped during the worst of the closed-door interrogations. I ended up in front of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and the Armed Services Committee. The rules were changing anyway, and they... kind of looked the other way. I have the gene, and they need people with SGC experience." Sheppard rapped his palms against the armrests, _shave and a haircut, two bits_. "It worked out."

That one time Sam had been stuck in an alternate timeline, Cam had been curious about his alternate self – hell, they'd all wanted to know, and Sam had been dead set against telling. It took weeks for Cam to finally wheedle out of her that he'd refused to be a government puppet, and that had condemned him.

"You were drinking," Sam told him, leaning forward over the mess hall table like she was speaking in confidence. "They stopped you from getting medical care. You were in a wheelchair and so, so _angry_. Betrayed."

Cam had turned that scenario over and over in his head since then, wondering if he'd have done the same thing in the same circumstances. He believed it took courage to sacrifice yourself for your principles. For that other Cam, it had meant walking away, even though that meant never walking again. He wondered what it meant for Sheppard, who sat across from him now, silent and focused on the data scrolling over the HUD. Wondered just how well things were working out for him.

"The planet we're headed for doesn't have a stargate," Sheppard said, back in the role of affable tour guide. Except now Cam was pretty sure he was hiding, and there was no way Cam was going to be seeking. Let sleeping dogs lie. And other pertinent cliches.

"Does it have breathable atmosphere?" Cam asked. "And the other little things that matter."

Sheppard popped some video up. Blue skies, what looked like pine trees, a lake with fat yellow and red fish, wide fields of flowers.

"McKay calls it the allergen planet," Sheppard said, in reference to the flowers. "But our biologists gave it the harmless seal of approval. No major predators, no humans, and this awesome ten-hour drive from the nearest gate." He got up and went in the back, returning with a hand-held game device. "I'll take over when you get bored. But I hear you're from Kansas. Didn't they invent boring in your state?"

Cam took one hand off the controls and gave Sheppard the finger. "You better give me that thing in a couple hours, or so help me, you'll be begging me to stop singing Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer."

"Sure," Sheppard said, tossing one leg over an armrest and slouching sideways, elbows out. "But I warn you, you won't beat Ronon's scores. He's superhuman at Balloon Battle."

"He seems the type," Cam said. He meant it as a joke, but Sheppard just made a noise of agreement and lost himself in the game.

Cam amused himself by trying to work the HUD. Once he figured out that it was controlled by finger movements, he studied the local star charts and the gate network, checked whether the jumper had proximity sensors (it did, and Sheppard already had them on), and pulled up a bunch of mission reports just because he could.

Sheppard changed off with him halfway. Cam learned that he'd been using his game player to read War and Peace, which seemed ridiculous, but Sheppard showed him how to use the built-in controller to play Mario Kart.

"This is cool," Cam said, once he had the knack for controlling his character's actions. "I should get one of these."

Sheppard snorted. "Welcome to the new millennium."

Sheppard let Cam land the jumper when they arrived, giving him the coordinates for a wide pebbled beach next to a lake.

"The jumper can be cloaked," Sheppard explained, pointing out the sequence to do that. "But if we're leaving a big footprint in the grass it gives us away. So rocks and sand make good landing sites." He popped a remote control out of a panel and handed it over. "We can use either cloak or shield. I've been on Rodney's case for years trying to get both at once, but no luck so far." He scanned the controls, double-checking that the parking brake was on and the keys were out of the ignition, and then rolled to his feet. "Welcome to P4G-784, your home away from home."

Cam was all the way to the rear of the jumper before he realized he didn't know how to open the back door.

"There's a thing on the wall on the right," Sheppard said. "Seriously, get the gene therapy."

"Considering it," Cam said, and then the door was open and he was out under the blue sky.

Sheppard busied himself setting up camp, and Cam did his part, not wanting to look like SG1 couldn't pull its own weight in a crisis.

"Could be a few days," Sheppard said, busy creating a tidy fire pit. "Depending on where Sam was when she got the call."

"You got a tent you want me to put up?" Cam asked. He shoved a big rock out of the way with his foot and plonked down a folding chair. He had priorities: comfort was one.

Sheppard jerked his thumb at the jumper. "It's safer to sleep indoors. We have air mattresses," he said, like he was telling a secret. "The civilians complain if they're uncomfortable."

"Uh-huh," Cam said, and gave Sheppard a disbelieving look. "Sure. Blame the civilians."

Sheppard's face broke into a grin. "If you want to sleep on the floor..."

"Wasn't saying that." Cam rolled his shoulders, and twisted side to side to get the kinks out of his back. Sitting still had never been his best subject. "There's no dinosaurs here, right? No crocodiles?"

"Far as I know."

"Good." Cam cracked his neck. "I'm gonna take a run, but we can pretend it's a perimeter check."

Sheppard nodded. "I'll come with." He warded off Cam's protest with a roll of his eyes. "Yes, you're being baby-sat. Bitching won't help, because I want to keep my job. Plus you were going out there without any weapons? This is Pegasus."

Cam let Sheppard deck him out with a Beretta and a local-made knife that looked sharp enough to shave with, and did a radio check with a couple of walkie-talkies. Sheppard took the life-signs detector; Cam called dibs on the jumper remote control.

Quick, before Sheppard could decide that Cam was the one who needed bubble-wrap treatment, Cam smacked him on the shoulder. "Race you." And took off.

Where Cam had gone wrong, he decided, as the burn from pushing himself went clear from his legs up into his lungs, was not setting up some rules. He'd figured a circuit around the lake meant that cheating would be impossible, but Sheppard somehow kept disappearing, starting off a good ten yards behind Cam and the next minute breaking out of the woodline twenty yards ahead. By the time Cam had the campsite in view again he was just jogging, trying to get his breathing under control. Sheppard was stringing a clothesline along the side of the jumper, which looked really weird, considering the jumper was invisible.

"Took your time," Sheppard called. Cam considered strangling him, and shook his head to get the thought out, sweat trickling down from his hair. "We have civilian towels and military issue, which do you want?"

"Screw you," Cam shouted back, pulling his shirt off and unbuttoning his pants. "I'm going for a swim and there's nothing you can do to stop me."

The water felt like ice against Cam's heated skin, but he slogged in until it was at waist height and then ducked his head under. He scrubbed his fingers through his hair, rubbed his palms over his face, and surfaced to find Sheppard wading out to join him, cartoon-print boxer shorts low on his hips.

Cam figured if there was no way he was going to shake Sheppard loose, he might as well have some fun, so he started a game of Marco Polo. By the end they were just trying to splash each other in the face, screw the rules. Finally Cam's goosebumps had goosebumps and the sun was starting to go down, so he called truce and sloshed his way back ashore.

The wind was picking up, and Sheppard, trailing Cam like a ghost, told him there was a dry set of clothes and hot coffee in the jumper. "So go wash out your stuff," Sheppard added, handing Cam a towel. "I don't want to be stuck with someone who stinks."

Sheppard, of course, had his own spare clothes. Cam had to belt the waist of his borrowed pants, and they were too short in the leg, but when he was kicking back in the jumper with his hands wrapped around a sturdy plastic mug it didn't seem to matter much.

"So what supplies does this thing come with?" Cam asked. "Seems like you've got a little of everything squirreled away."

Sheppard was setting up the air mattresses, one on each side in the back. "Enough to keep a team alive for two weeks, longer with rationing." He gave Cam a quick grin. "The longest I've been stuck in one's a week, but... starvation's not how I want to go in this reality." He rapped a knuckle against the jumper floor. "There's underfloor storage."

"Cool." Cam drained his cup and got up. "I'll get the fire started and supper on the table. We're going to be in bed by eight, aren't we?"

"Old age," Sheppard said, finally getting the pump assembled with the hose facing the right direction after a brief struggle. "Sucks, but what can you do?"

Cam knew for a fact that he was seven months younger than Sheppard, but he decided not to rub it in. He could be magnanimous like that, especially since at least his hair was light enough that the gray didn't show as much.

They talked about football over dinner and tried but failed to find familiar stars in the clear night sky. This planet had no moons; the night was very dark. Cam'd been a Scout as a boy, and he'd hiked along the Colorado River. Hell, he'd been in Antarctica, definitely one of the most remote places on Earth. But there was no feeling as weird as knowing there were just two humans on this whole world, and he was one of them. It made him feel kind of claustrophobic, even though he had faith that Sam would show up to rescue them.

He offered to take first watch, but Sheppard shook his head.

"The jumper'll let us know if anything's up," Sheppard said. "Get your beauty sleep."

So they locked the back door and turned the porch light off, and Cam burrowed down into his sleeping bag thinking he was far too wound up to fall asleep, and the next thing he knew sunlight was spilling through the front window.

Sheppard had shifted in the night until he was half under the air mattress and half under the narrow bolted-down bench. Cam would have left him there, except he didn't want Sheppard bolting upright and smacking his face into the bench when Cam opened the door.

Cam put his hand over Sheppard's forehead to hold him down, and thought fondly of all the times he'd rolled Jackson out of bed. "Wakey-wakey, rise and shine."

Sheppard jerked reflexively and tried to back away, only to get his shoulder jammed up against the leg of the bench. He squished his face up, awake but not going to admit it, so Cam gave him a helpful shove back out towards his mattress.

"I'm going outside," Cam said, as brightly as he could. "It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, Sheppard."

Sheppard found the edge of his sleeping bag and buried his face in it. He muttered something that Cam thought was an invitation to fuck off, so he did.

He didn't intend to antagonize Sheppard. He just had the sense that his good mood was fragile, like a bubble that would pop if not taken care of. What he needed, he decided, was some spiritual grounding. He'd missed his last Kelno'reem date with Teal'c, and that was maybe why he'd had this itching restlessness building up inside him, feeling like a snake about to shed its skin – even though when he thought about it, that analogy sucked.

He headed away from the lake, into the woods covering the nearby hills. He wasn't exactly trying not to get caught, but he didn't want to be followed. Halfway up the other side of the first hill he found a nice little clearing, with a view of more hills and more lakes and a whole bunch more trees, though off to the south the land was still scarred from an uncontrolled burn.

Cam sat down cross-legged and tried to find his center and calm it: become aware of his breathing and heartbeat, feel the sunlight on his skin and the brush of the breeze through his hair. The physical aches and pains he accepted – he understood what they meant, and how to deal with them. The tangle of anger and frustration... he knew what that was, too, but he was... scared. That was all and everything, and when he opened his eyes he felt a regretful sadness which was more honest but not much better.

Then he saw the dragons. He guessed they were the lizards Sheppard had mentioned, each one about the size of his hand. They were all different colors, and they had wings. A flock was passing overhead in loose formation, and every so often a dragon darted up or down, tongue flashing out to grab an insect, and then hustling to catch up with the group. Cam wished he had a camera. Vala would be so jealous... if she had any idea what a dragon was.

He wanted to follow the lizards, because they were ridiculous and adorable and one of the best things he'd seen offworld in a long time, but he didn't want to get lost. He had no doubt that Sheppard could find him – Sheppard was probably tracking him on the puddlejumper's sensors right now. But it would be embarrassing.

Because the morning was still beautiful and Cam didn't want to head back to the campsite just yet – and because if he was being honest he wanted to see more baby dragons – he stayed where he was and practiced Sodan fighting kata. He would have to make himself a staff, he thought. And maybe Sheppard could teach him some of Teyla's stick-fighting technique as well.

He didn't start back until his stomach was growling. He figured Sheppard was going to be pissed, but he'd get over it.

The campsite was empty when Cam strolled up, but he'd expected that. "Hey," Cam called, and checked for the stones that marked the corners of the jumper, so he didn't walk into it and give himself a black eye. He reached out, felt the warm metal of the side, and trailed his fingers as a guide while he walked around to the open door. Stepping inside revealed the tousled back of Sheppard's head and the very stiff set of Sheppard's shoulders, where he sat in the pilot's seat. Like Cam'd figured, the HUD was tracking his movements, like a high-tech stalker with his best interests in mind.

"Did you know there're dragons in the woods?" Cam asked, resolutely ignoring the pointed silence. "Little itty bitty ones flying around." 

Sheppard didn't answer, but he tapped a key and the HUD display changed to a database entry, with rotating 3D pictures of the three genders of the species. Once again: _cool_.

"Never saw them personally," Sheppard said, tone making his obvious anger clear, and still not looking at Cam. "The one time I finally made it here, I get stuck minding the fort."

Cam imagined suddenly what would have happened if he'd dragged Sheppard off with him. They'd have failed at meditation, probably breaking down into laughter every time they looked at each other. They could have shared the wonder of the colorful dragons, and Cam could have taught Sheppard some of the easier kata, shoving his shoulders down to lower his center of balance, the way Jolan had with him, and making him work his stomach muscles.

Jolan brought Cam back to life, and Cam's grateful for that just about every day. But he's starting to wonder if Sheppard could as well, and if Cam'd let him.

"I'll make lunch," Cam said, because he was sorry now that he'd set up this pattern where every time he started to get along with Sheppard he had to go and sabotage himself. He'd been trying not to think about the fact that he was going to have to either give up on the friendship or explain himself. Cooking would give him some time to get his thoughts in order, and maybe Sheppard would be more forgiving on a full stomach.

Cam made stew, because he asked and Sheppard said he liked it better than the pasta or the chicken. Sheppard emerged from the cockpit wearing his best church-social manners and carrying a full kettle to put on once Cam had the fire going. The clothes and towels on the line were sun-dried, and by the time Sheppard had everything folded and put away, the food was ready.

They ate mostly in silence, except for Cam asking if he could have Sheppard's Tabasco sauce, and Sheppard demonstrating how to make the cardboard-like bread more or less palatable. When they were done eating, Cam rinsed off the dishes and set them upright against a rock to dry.

Sheppard handed him a mug of cocoa. For being stuck on a planet at the back end of nowhere, it was a pretty good life so far. Hot beverages for every occasion.

"So what's it like?" Cam asked. His stomach was full and warm, and he was feeling mellow. No time like the present. "You know. Being gay."

Sheppard looked at him across the fire and the murmuring Athosian kettle boiling away, chin and eyebrows raised, giving Cam an incredulous, defensive stare. "Sucking cock? Taking it up the ass?"

"No!" Cam held his free hand up in apology, trying to ward off Sheppard's anger. "Not that. Everyone knowing."

Sheppard grimaced, as if that was just as intrusive as questions about sex.

"Never mind." Cam wished Sheppard didn't make him so damn _clumsy_. He'd started out wrong-footed, and for some reason just _kept on_ that way.

Sheppard put his mug down to the side and leaned back against the jumper, his face in shadow with the sunlight coming through the cloak to backlight him. "It's okay." Cam watched him pull his knees up and thought, maybe it really, really wasn't, but Sheppard was still talking. "People ask stuff. That's the second most popular question after the ones about fucking."

Cam... could see that. "Maybe you should make a pamphlet."

"My ex-wife was mostly disappointed I wasn't dating Ronon," Sheppard said abruptly. "But she always knew I swung both ways. My brother – I don't know, maybe he's faking for good PR."

"Anyone ask you out?" Cam meant it as a joke, trying to lighten the mood, only realizing how the words sounded after they were out. Like something he'd snap at Vala for saying.

Sheppard snorted. "Right. People _avoid_ me, like they're afraid someone will go after them next."

Cam wished he had beer; he could use something to take the edge off his nerves. Cocoa, no matter how tasty, just didn't cut it. "In defense of _people_ , for some of us that's always been the nightmare." He felt the weight of Sheppard's eyes on him in judgment, and shrugged, looking down, his neck gone tight all of a sudden, like a headache coming on. "I was heart-set since I was a kid on following my dad into the Air Force. If not... I don't know. Most of the time now I don't even notice." _Liar, liar, pants on fire_. "Sure as hell wouldn't risk my career for – " he opened his hand in the air, all-encompassing.

"I'll send you a pamphlet," Sheppard said, after a pause, voice very slow, like he was assessing a threat.

"I don't," Cam started, and then stopped, and put his palms on his knees, to get them to stop shaking. "Fuck."

"If you want advice," Sheppard said, voice inflecting the statement into a question. Cam got his damn face under control and glanced up, which seemed to pass okay for an answer. "I didn't have a choice. But I think... it's fine to only say something if there's a reason. Someone you care about, or whatever."

"That's what I'm trying to do here," Cam said, and that was the heart of the bush he'd been beating around, hoping if he waited long enough the problem would just go away.

The corner of Sheppard's mouth twitched up. "You being an asshole for a week is your way of hitting on me?" He sounded incredulous. Of course, put that way, it sounded really dumb.

"Yeah," Cam said, and squinted to watch the reaction that Sheppard had trouble hiding, his features finally settling into a closed-off wariness.

"You remember the first time we met?" Cam took a breath, made himself relax, and picked up his mug, now cooled. "I was new to SG1 and trying so hard to do everything right, and you walked in from another galaxy and riled everyone all up like you just didn't care. You weren't what I'd expected. I wanted to know why, and you couldn't've cared less who I was."

Sheppard frowned like he was searching his memory. "Self-defense. Everyone at the SGC knows I didn't earn my position or rank. I don't assume I'll make friends there."

"I read your reports," Cam said. "All of them. I had a lot of catching up to do," he added, because Sheppard didn't look like he was happy about that. "If there's one thing it took me a long time to suss out, it's that there's following rules blindly, and then there's doing what's right. You try to do what's right. I admire that."

Sheppard leaned his head back against the jumper; Cam couldn't see, but he thought his eyes were closed. "Most of the time even succeeding feels like failure."

Cam picked up a pebble and tossed it, aiming for Sheppard's knee. He came close enough, hitting the side of his shin; Sheppard started and swore, and rubbed at the spot 

"You saved the whole Earth from the Wraith," Cam pointed out. "You fought hard to get Atlantis back where she belongs. Shut up and be admired."

"Your seduction technique sucks."

"I'm trying to prove I'm sincere." Cam made a show of patting down his pockets. "You have a pencil and some paper I can borrow? I'm going to pass you a note in class, maybe that'll work. _Do you wanna go out with me? Check yes or no._ Because from that first time we met, I've been watching you and trying to figure out how you tick, and it's at the point where if I'm in a room with you I don't see anyone else." He took a breath, blew it out. "The sad honest truth is, if the rules hadn't changed, I probably would've been too much of a coward to say anything. Because I don't want to fuck and run, I want _you_ for as long as I can have you. And that scares the crap out of me."

Sheppard licked his lower lip, and then took a left-over sugar packet from one pocket and a ballpoint pen from another. He scribbled something on either side, and then lobbed it across in an easy underhand.

Cam plucked it out of the air. Sheppard's face wasn't giving anything away. He opened his hand, and facing up on his palm was the word _yes_. Underneath in parentheses it was qualified with _stop being a jerk_ , and Cam thought if he grinned any harder his face might just freeze that way. He turned the sugar packet over. _Sweets to the sweet (?)_ it said, and Sheppard had drawn a neat circle around the number of calories – 23, apparently.

"Kissing burns a calorie a minute," Sheppard said conversationally. "I read that somewhere."

"I love that you're a bigger dork than me," Cam said, and managed to get out of his chair without knocking it over or – hopefully – giving away just how interested his dick was in the conversation now that rejection was off the table.

Sheppard was a lot more graceful getting up. "I'm pretty sure you're wrong about that," he said, but then he didn't say anything else because Cam had his hands on his shoulders. They both had an obvious moment of not remembering how to _start_ a kiss, straight on or tilting into it, and who went first. Cam thought it was awesome that they were both so terrible at this. He tilted his head while Sheppard was still frozen in place, and leaned in to cover as much of Sheppard's mouth with his own as he could.

Sheppard tipped his head back, which, yeah, made things easier, and then Cam felt one of his hands at his waist, pulling him closer.

That was a good idea, that was great. Cam let Sheppard reel him in until there was no distance between them, Sheppard's back to the jumper, Cam pinning him there, and Sheppard's other hand sliding up the back of Cam's neck into his hair. Doing this with someone who knew who he was, where he worked, his history – it was like taking a long jump off a tall cliff and relying on faith that he'd land safely. He was in Sheppard's hands, literally and metaphorically, and Cam felt he could fall like this forever.

Sheppard, on the other hand, was still _thinking_ , and Cam wasn't sure he liked that at all.

"We should go inside," Sheppard said, and even though Cam was kissing his way down his neck, Sheppard gave his hair a tug.

"There is _no one_ here," Cam said on a groan. He had one hand under the back of Sheppard's shirt, the pads of his fingers trailing up the ridges of his spine.

"Dragons," Sheppard said, and grabbed Cam's chin, pulling him up into a hard and fast kiss. "Air mattresses."

"Gotcha." Air mattresses, nakedness, more kissing, his hand on Sheppard's dick and vice versa, Cam could get behind that a hundred percent.

Except once they were in the jumper and the door was shut, Sheppard whipped Cam's belt open and pulled his loose borrowed pants down impatiently. Cam was forced to take his boots and everything off so he didn't trip up and concuss himself, which wasn't how he wanted this to go.

"Can I?" Sheppard asked, one hand palming Cam through his shorts. Cam blinked at him in confusion, and Sheppard rolled his eyes and then slid down to his knees, mouth tracing the outline of Cam's dick where his hand had been a moment before. 

Cam got the picture. "Oh hell yeah." He ran his fingers down the side of Sheppard's face, and was fairly sure that Sheppard leaned into the touch, just a bit. Maybe he was finally getting it right.

Then Sheppard slid his fingers under the elastic of Cam's shorts, and tugged them down and off, leaning forward to catch the head of Cam's dick in his mouth as it sprang free. Cam's thoughts shorted out, his brain drunk on the visual of Sheppard's lips stretched around him and the sensation of the first brush of tongue. He wanted to push in, but he was trying not to be a jerk, so he forced himself still, holding on to Sheppard like an anchor.

Sheppard had to know how crazy he was driving Cam, but he took him in so slow, mouth sliding down only to retreat, hands curled around Cam's hips. Cam stroked Sheppard's hair, felt it push up against his palm and slide through his fingers, and Sheppard murmured something that sounded like pleasure. Hell, it _felt_ like pleasure, the vibration making Cam's knees go weak.

So of course that was when Sheppard pulled off, looking up like _Cam_ was the one who was being difficult. "Lie down."

The air mattress made a lot of things better. Cam didn't have to worry about balance, and Sheppard found an angle that let him take Cam almost all the way in on the first try, one hand holding Cam's dick steady and the other keeping Cam's hips still. Cam filled his own shaking hands with Sheppard's hair and knew he wasn't going to last. He didn't care.

He felt the bright electric current start way down in his curling toes, and tried to give Sheppard a heads-up. "Sheppard – " and that was wrong, when they were here, like this "– _John_."

John said something that was absolutely unintelligible, considering his mouth was full of Cam's dick – and to be honest, Cam was totally distracted by the blissful way the words _felt_ – but he didn't pull off again, and slid his hands to settle hot on Cam's hips. Cam assumed that was an invitation.

He rocked up, testing, raising up on his elbows to look down and see Sheppard take it, then pulled back so he could watch his dick slide back home. Sheppard's eyes were closed, and Cam was overwhelmed and humbled and turned on to the point of pain to think that this was real, this was him and Sheppard – _John_ – and no one could stop them, nothing was wrong. Everything about this was right, and the building tension in him broke, lighting him up in a sudden explosion of fierce joyous pleasure. He grabbed hold of Sheppard and hang on for the long haul, until he'd shaken through the blinding orgasm and was on the other side, limp and ridiculously, effervescently happy.

He managed to push himself up on the second try and fumbled for Sheppard, hands clumsy but mouth not awkward with the kissing now. He was going to make this good, he promised himself, good and built to last. He and Sheppard, they were survivors, so who knew, maybe there was a happy ending due to them after all.

Sheppard's pants were undone, though Cam didn't remember that happening. Sheppard had terrible underwear, and Cam wanted it gone. It got in the way of him getting Sheppard's dick out, and that was just wrong. Sheppard tried to help, but he was dark-eyed with desperation, and Cam felt kind of bad for getting to go first. 

"I got you," Cam told him, and kissed him more while he shoved the elastic waistband down. "There," Cam said, mouth to mouth, and wrapped his fingers around the hard length of him.

Sheppard groaned and said _please_ and _fuck_ , and Cam wanted him spread out naked so he could kiss all the skin Sheppard kept hidden modestly away. He wanted to keep Sheppard begging, wanted to do everything to him three times over – 

and that was when the Hammond hailed the jumper over the radio.

"God _damn_ it," Cam said, staring into Sheppard's horrified expression. He ran a quick hand through his hair, then grabbed one of the towels off the laundry pile. One of them was going to have to be the bigger man about this, and he guessed he should step up to the plate. "I'll get the phone, you, ah – " he looked down; Sheppard's dick hadn't realized yet that it was in for disappointment "– hide the evidence."

Sheppard reached out and wiped unsteady fingers over Cam's mouth. "You look..."

"Like someone who loves exercise and the clean fresh air," Cam finished, getting up and knotting the towel around his waist as tightly as he could. "It's just Sam. And a dozen or so total strangers. No biggie."

Cam went up into the cockpit and took a steadying breath, then answered the call, bringing Sam up on the HUD.

"Hey there, Sam." Cam crossed his arms, perversely amused by the way she started grinning as she took in his attire. "Glad you guys made it here. Though your timing could be better."

Sam didn't laugh at him, but it was probably a near thing. "We had a betting pool," she said, eyes dancing. "Pants or no pants. I don't think anyone put money on ugly towel, though."

"I love you a lot," Cam said. "But I also hate you. You know that, right?"

"Be grateful I didn't bring Vala," Sam told him. "Colonel Sheppard around?"

"Somewhere." Cam glanced behind him, hoping the air mattress was out of sight. It was, and Sheppard strolled up to the front looking absolutely untouched: jacket buttoned, sleeves rolled to just above his elbows, trousers belted, and his holster on. His boots were unlaced and his hair was on end, but for him, that was par for the course.

Cam hated him a little, but figured that was okay, because he also loved him a lot.

"Sorry," Sheppard was saying, crossing his arms as he came to stand next to Cam. "Colonel Mitchell had a little run-in with nature this morning. Which is the second pair of pants he's gone through in as many days."

Now Sam was laughing. "I should have warned you about that," she said. "He's got this subversive exhibitionist streak. One time we found him handcuffed to a bed."

"Laugh it up," Cam told her. "It's okay, I had my dignity surgically removed years ago." He shot a sideways look at Sheppard. "Are you on a tight schedule? I need to get dressed, and then I wanted to show Sheppard here the baby dragons I found this morning."

"Atlantis actually requested that we scan the planet and get some air samples while we're here, if there was time." Sam quirked a smile at Sheppard. "I wouldn't mind seeing Cam's baby dragons myself."

"Come on down," Sheppard said. "Bring more pants."

"Roger. Over and out." Sam gave a little wave of her fingers, and the visual cut out.

Sheppard double-checked that they weren't transmitting, and then gave Cam one of the sorriest hangdog looks he'd ever seen on anyone.

"I hear sexual frustration builds moral fiber," Cam said, because apparently his default setting around Sheppard was still set to jerk. "We could – "

"Nope," Sheppard said. "Not with house guests on the way."

"We should tell Sam." Sheppard stared in surprise. "Maybe not today, but... she'd be happy for us."

Sheppard, took a breath, looking unconvinced but not like he outright rejected the idea. "Put your damn pants on."

"Hey." Cam caught Sheppard's sleeve and reeled him in for a kiss, trying to convey just how happy he was. "Thank you."

Sheppard got that look again, like he didn't know how to accept compliments or gratitude, but then he nodded. He couldn't meet Cam's eyes, but he said, "My pleasure." Cam decided that getting Sheppard comfortable was going to be one of his goals from now on, and Sheppard jabbed him in the arm with a finger. "Pants. Now."

"Sure thing, Colonel Sheppard." Cam paused. "John. You mind if I call you that?"

"Might as well," John said, and yeah, it was bright enough to make out that he was totally blushing.

Cam spent the whole time he was getting dressed grinning and thinking to himself: _John, John, John_, like that was the key to his heart.


End file.
